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Sweet dreams

We shot a bridal boudoir session with my muse last month. She wanted to give her groom some photos of herself and so I was really excited when she asked me to do something like this with her. And I am really happy with the results, and also she loved them too, which is the best part!

Monday I was feeling little bit down, like you probably sensed that, and then it has got little bit better. New model contacted me yesterday, to collaborate, and I am a quite excited about that too. We are doing a shoot end of next month… how can I wait again???😀 But yes, I have some work to do before that😀 And booked a wedding for a September 2017. I got fever and flu yesterday, and even that does not bother me so much now. Although I am editing little bit slower than usual, because my head and eyes hurts but yes, this week might be really good:)

I hope you guys are doing well❤

 

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Yellow my world

Let`s start this week with a hint of a yellow, color that usually is not one of my favs.

I feel like that everything I do goes somehow wrong. I am kind to people, and I end up getting used. And like I told in my last post, that I often feel alone even I do have friends… yes, weekend made me question about that too. And wonder what is wrong with me, am I mean to people without noticing that myself?  I try to always listen people whenever/whatever they have going on in their lives. I am usually first to offer my help, if somebody is in need of some help. And I am a bit naive because I genuinely believe that those people would be there for me too.

Maybe I am in the wrong path, and been all along, and maybe I have to find a new path… I don`t know. Work is the same… every time I feel like that yes, now I have finally done something really great/beautiful/learned new etc… and then… someone just washes that away in seconds. I could not ever go and criticize for example one of my friends work, let`s say to a waiter (just pure example)or tell her that somebody else is much better waiter than her.

This is just me again thinking, and overthinking… and wondering is there ever my time to shine. And I don`t mean that in the way that I would need some glory or spotlight. No. I just want to be happy. And without the guilt of being happy.

“In spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart”

-shorter version of a quote by Anne Frank

Let`s have a good week❤

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Let the sky fall

First, big apologies for being absent this week. But here I am now😉 I was going to post almost every day, but… My feelings were all over the place… up and down, and down more, and then up again… And now I am more in peace with myself. I don`t want always write only about the negative stuff. So now there are like everything, some negatives and some positive things. And hopefully this weekend will be more in upbeat tune than the last.

Last weekend, I was heading to take some shots from a wedding venue, my dear muse/friend was getting married on Saturday. So I said that I could take few shots of the decorations on Friday… yes I was almost out the door, and my mother calls that grandma is going to the hospital. And of course it stressed me out and yes, doctors send her back home… 85 years old who has fell down 2 times on that day… anyways, I was really worried and because of the big day coming up… I could not really sleep, I was staring at my phone still at 4 am. I was almost sure that it will ring and more bad news…

I manage to get myself in sort of happy place, and mood for the wedding. I had been waiting almost 2 years that day, and I was somehow really really nervous and happy at the same time. My dear friend`s big day and I was honored to shoot her wedding. Everything went well, and I did not messed it up… I guess😀 I have not edited those photos yet, just went through some and checked that my crying did not effect the shots. Yes… I cried again.

My hubby picked me up from the wedding… and again more bad news… my mother-in-law was now in the hospital. She had a very high fever and some sort of infection. She is okay now, she got back home today. I don`t know even why it hit me so hard. I thought that everyone is now going to die… and that my heart could not take that all right now. But… yeah. We cannot choose what life gives us. And we should not worry all the things in life. And we often feel so fragile and weak, and we are much more stronger that we understand.

I often feel so alone. Even I know I have friends. But maybe it is just me being melancholic. And I am always dreaming about something that cannot happen, or is too late to happen. And yes, I am having some sort of age crisis. Many things that I dreamed about while I was younger… many has slipped away… but new dreams and desires comes, and maybe some of them I can make happen. One is that next year I will go back to New York, if we can make it somehow possible with my hubby. I will celebrate my big 4-0 there. And if the stars and galaxies are in the really right position, and I will get a dose of self confidence, I will find a model to do a shoot with me in somewhere in the city there. (I will ask you guys some help to find a model if I decide that I am strong enough to try that).

And I have promised myself to find few new models here too, who could be in my own projects. I have this urge to try some ideas, and I sometimes find it hard to get the right people to create with me. (people in Finland, spread the word😉 )But I will be more brave now… of I will going to try to be. So what if I am an old lady? In my mind I am still 25😉

Have a great weekend and do something fun, let the negatives go if only possible and maybe have a picnic with a friend, I am going to!

 

“Where you go I go
What you see I see
I know I’d never be me
Without the security
Of your loving arms
Keeping me from harm
Put your hand in my hand
And we’ll stand

Let the sky fall (let the sky fall)
When it crumbles (when it crumbles)
We will stand tall (we will stand tall)
Face it all together

Let the sky fall (let the sky fall)
When it crumbles (when it crumbles)
We will stand tall (we will stand tall)
Face it all together
At skyfall”

-Adele

 

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Every day is a little adventure

Hello guys, it`s already Wednesday… where the time goes??? I have had yes an adventure almost every day, shooting mostly outdoors and had so much fun. Today is my editing day, and now I can re-visit my adventures. And I have a lots of other kind of memories too… about hundred mosquito bites… and that´s not so much fun😀

And not so much fun, I have had lots of headaches lately and I guess I have some sort of pollen allergy. My eyes are dry and they itch too! I have taken some medicine for allergy, but those makes me a bit sleepy. Or maybe I am just a bit tired! But hey, I do not complain, this has been quite nice these last couple of months, I wish it would be like this all year! Enough work… that is really amazing! But I know it will be much more quiet of the autumn and winter, so I just enjoy it now❤

And some sad things happened… Saturday I went to visit my grandma. I called her before, to let her know that I am coming to visit. She opened a door and almost fell down, said that her legs were weak that day. I got her to in to a chair and sat down myself. We talked some, I can`t even remember what… and then she says ” I was waiting for Teija, she called and told me that she was coming to visit”. My eyes filled with tears, and I did not know what to say. I tried not to cry. What do I say… that, I am Teija, I came to visit like I promised. I was silent for a moment and then I just kept talking and after a while she seemed like she did knew who I was, because she asked about my dog and about my work and my spouse. But that few minutes… she did know who I was. And it just broke my heart. Even I have known that it is only matter of time when something like this happens. And I really did not know what to say into that. And what is the right way? I don`t know.

And I got the tears again just here writing that down… and I should continue working… maybe I will take another brief break and go out for a moment and play with my dog.

I hope you guys have been well❤

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Lead me into light

Yes, I have been feeling the light… everyday… lots of work, which gives me joy and love. And yesterday we met our dear friend couple, they are like the best! I was totally tired, and hungry because I had forgotten to eat… and my friend has made us pizza and salad, and blueberry pie! And yes that made me so happy and got energy back. It is so important to take a little off time, even for a few hours.

There has been some darker moments too, I have been worried about my mother and my grandma, my dog… yes I worry about everything. One client just said to me that “you are such a empathic person, you feel…”. Yes, I do, feel. Sometimes it is pretty consuming, to feel so much. But that is how I am.

How are you guys??? I have tried to keep up with your posts, but I have been so occupied with work that I might have missed some posts, so, I am sorry! I don`t know why but sometimes I do not get the notices about posts into my email. Maybe it is just wordpress what messes with me? It do not want me to see what you guys are up to😉

I hope this week has been good so far for all, and let`s make the rest even better! Let there be light!

 

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Stand out in a crowd

“Don’t be afraid of being different. Be afraid of being the same as everyone else.”

Wise words… I am always afraid… almost everything. And of course with my photography. Sometimes it is so hard to just do what you`re doing, and trust that you are doing it right… And the temptation of giving up is easily lurking. It has been lurking me for weeks now… And I don`t really know why. What do you other creatives do when that hits you? That feeling that it would be easier to give up and stop what you`re doing? What keeps you going?

I think mine is that I love photography. I just love it. I love to create. I love what is has given to me, especially these last 3,5 years. When I want to give up this… I remember that it has helped so much during very dark periods, given me strength and made to pick up myself, and put my feelings into that. And it has given me bunch of new friends, people that I might not ever met otherwise. Downsize is that some of the old friends has gone…

Photography has made me much less shy. I can go and meet totally strangers and talk to them without shaking allover and having an panic attack. I can take photos in a wedding with 200 strangers… and it really is a big deal for me.

But also photography has made me in some ways more vulnerable. I put my heart and soul to everything I do in my photography. It doesn`t matter if it is some shots of cakes or portraits. And when you put yourself into your work, and not everyone sees that, or that somebody dislikes it, gives you hard time for it, or something else negative. And when something you have done with love and passion in a way turns into a negative thing… It makes me really sad, and in that moment there`s a window to self-doubt to lurk and mess with your head.

It is not always easy to stay true to yourself or your passion… but when life really is easy?

 

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Throwback Monday

Yes I did it again😀 I forgot to post again last week…I guess this is what it feels like to be busy😉 And I was pretty exhausted and I am still a bit. I did take Friday off, and not even open my computer. It helped a little. And I am not so exhausted because being busy, I kind of like that… but I have felt like too much pressure lately about social media. Like that I should be posting photos all the time. showing new work… I know I know… that is stupid… but we are who we are… and we create our own pressures. And I am first to admit that my imagination is so vivid, that I can create million different negative scenarios in my head in no time😀

I wish I could create one day only positive scenarios in my head, sometimes it would be so nice to just let go, forget all the pressure and expectations what I give myself. I read one conversation over the weekend, that what people think about photographers… that we are rude, expensive, arrogant, pretentious, competitive… And it got me thinking, that do people see me like that??? I think I am quite the opposite of those, and I hope that this shows to others too. Only thing that I have noticed about myself that I do have one little percent about competitive in me. And it is something I haven`t had in me for long, and I don`t think that is so bad thing if that seed do not grow too much.

This photograph is absolutely one of my favorites, titled Edge of a broken heart. In lots of ways, I see myself lying there instead of my model. Now I can start this week with this, and post newer photos later on, and with no pressure😉 and this week is bit easier than last week, or I hope so😉

Let`s breathe and enjoy the last week of June❤